Writing 101: Day 1

/ Lauren Kocher- Thebipolarmama

So I decided to do the WordPress Writing 101 course/project to expand on my writing skills. Feel free to put some input on what right throughout the month. I will hopefully be putting up regular posts throughout this also. (This is also a day late because the charger to my laptop died so I am doing this from my phone. My new charger should be here today)

Today’s Assignment: 20minutes of free-writing

Start time: 6:39am

I should be sleeping. First because it is before 7am. Second, my children are both still asleep. By the time my mind shuts up for me to go to sleep, my children will be awake. Pickle will be the first to be awake. I hear him starting to rustle now. Nope, just looking for his binky. I just wish he would quit kicking me in the back. Or just sleep the whole night in his bed. I guess he did alright last night. He made it until 5:30am.  Oh wait. He is awake. Hold on a minute.

Pause: 6:45am
Start: 7:13am

Now that the dogs, Pickle, and chickens have all been taken care of I can get back to what I was doing. I think this is why none of my writing flows like I want it to. I can’t just sit and write when inspiration strikes me. I can’t just let the thoughts flow from my brain in the order I want it to. It is always a jumbled chaos. But I guess that is just life. Nothing just flows in a neat linear fashion. It is just a jumbled mess we are all trying to sort out. Sometimes it is just too much for me. I just want things to go in an order. I want my life to reflect how I envision it. I was going to be a blogger everyone wanted to read. I was going to be the doula that brought doulas to the area. I was going to be someone in our community. Most days I can barely convince myself to get out of the house. Fight past the anxiety of being in the world just to make it out the door. I guess it is because I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere outside of my little island of isolation. I am a square peg. The world outside my property line is the round hole. My entire like I have never felt like I have truely ever fit in anywhere. Even with my friends, I feel like an outsider. I have even tried to branch off to new groups but don’t really fit in there. You now how people seem to have that one person who is always there for them no matter what. That person who honestly supports you. The friends who really gets you. Aside from my husband I have never had that. I have always been the friend of convenience. I am good for when they have no one else around. When they need someone for themselves. Never when I need someone. I guess that is why I have such a hard time connecting with people. I am burnt on trust. I am tired of putting myself out to people and never having it reciprocated. I am tired of being a nice person and feeling the need to care about people who don’t care about me. I just want real friends. Isn’t that sad? I am a year and half away from being 30 and I have no real friends. It seems pretty pathetic. I still don’t know where I fit in this world and I hate it.

End: 6:30am

14 thoughts on “Writing 101: Day 1”

  4. I want you to soak in these compliments, because after reading your free write Lauren, I too connected with it strongly. There were some heartbreakingly honest lines such as ” I have always been the friend of convenience.” (brilliant!) and ” I am burnt on trust. I am tired of putting myself out to people and never having it reciprocated. I am tired of being a nice person and feeling the need to care about people who don’t care about me. I just want real friends.”

    I related to these thoughts on a personal level, and on a “writerly” level I noticed that you got across so much in just a few paragraphs. To me that’s a sign of talent.

    There is nothing pathetic about you…people would be LUCKY to have you as a real friend. It’s so hard. I know, because I go through the same thing and I’m over a decade older than you. (Not to freak you out or anything!!! I have friends, just not a real BFF anymore!)

    My nine-year-old daughter quizzed me just last night, and asked, “Who’s your best friend?” (Daddy didn’t count since he’s a guy.) And I was shocked to find that I couldn’t give her an answer except “I don’t have one anymore.” I even started tearing up, to my chagrin.

    I just got a beautiful puppy a few weeks ago and to tell you the truth, I connect more with this unconditional. loving creature more than any “friend” I have at the moment. I hope that will change – I guess I need to make it happen.

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  6. Hello there. I often feel the same way you do, but here’s some added brightness to your day:
    I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! I think your writing is superb and your message is important. I look forward to future posts.
    Check out what to do next here: http://wp.me/p374p6-WY
    (P.S. As I was typing this, I saw above that someone else has nominated you as well! That’s okay, if you decide to accept and write your own post with the “rules,” just “thank” us both! =] You go girl!)

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      • Awesome, congrats! You deserve it!
        I was going to go through all of my nominee’s pages to see if they had been nominated already, but that was just too much work so once I compiled my list I stuck to it. I actually sang the song “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it” while I was writing the post. Haha

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  7. Girl, you made me laugh! You don’t have a lot of “confidence” in your writing…not continence! ;))))) Although I think you will be more confident w/writing soon! xoxoxoxo

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  8. I totally identify with your sense of isolation. Now, after thirteen years of motherhood and nine years of staying home on disability, I am finally finding people I consider friends. It helps to write, to blog, and to attend a couple of MeetUp writers’ groups each week.

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