So I decided to do the WordPress Writing 101 course/project to expand on my writing skills. Feel free to put some input on what right throughout the month. I will hopefully be putting up regular posts throughout this also. (This is also a day late because the charger to my laptop died so I am doing this from my phone. My new charger should be here today)
Today’s Assignment: 20minutes of free-writing
Start time: 6:39am
I should be sleeping. First because it is before 7am. Second, my children are both still asleep. By the time my mind shuts up for me to go to sleep, my children will be awake. Pickle will be the first to be awake. I hear him starting to rustle now. Nope, just looking for his binky. I just wish he would quit kicking me in the back. Or just sleep the whole night in his bed. I guess he did alright last night. He made it until 5:30am. Oh wait. He is awake. Hold on a minute.
Now that the dogs, Pickle, and chickens have all been taken care of I can get back to what I was doing. I think this is why none of my writing flows like I want it to. I can’t just sit and write when inspiration strikes me. I can’t just let the thoughts flow from my brain in the order I want it to. It is always a jumbled chaos. But I guess that is just life. Nothing just flows in a neat linear fashion. It is just a jumbled mess we are all trying to sort out. Sometimes it is just too much for me. I just want things to go in an order. I want my life to reflect how I envision it. I was going to be a blogger everyone wanted to read. I was going to be the doula that brought doulas to the area. I was going to be someone in our community. Most days I can barely convince myself to get out of the house. Fight past the anxiety of being in the world just to make it out the door. I guess it is because I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere outside of my little island of isolation. I am a square peg. The world outside my property line is the round hole. My entire like I have never felt like I have truely ever fit in anywhere. Even with my friends, I feel like an outsider. I have even tried to branch off to new groups but don’t really fit in there. You now how people seem to have that one person who is always there for them no matter what. That person who honestly supports you. The friends who really gets you. Aside from my husband I have never had that. I have always been the friend of convenience. I am good for when they have no one else around. When they need someone for themselves. Never when I need someone. I guess that is why I have such a hard time connecting with people. I am burnt on trust. I am tired of putting myself out to people and never having it reciprocated. I am tired of being a nice person and feeling the need to care about people who don’t care about me. I just want real friends. Isn’t that sad? I am a year and half away from being 30 and I have no real friends. It seems pretty pathetic. I still don’t know where I fit in this world and I hate it.