Drowning on Land


Pixabay- RogerMosley


Not again

The world is collapsing around me

I can’t breathe

Please not again


Is it because the sun is shining too bright?

Deep Breathe in

Deep Breathe out

Rocking too and fro

My boat is about to capsize

Please, Please, please


Shit Shit Shit.

I am suffocating and the world is going without me

Circles, Circling my forefinger over my thumb

Over and Over again

I can’t hold back the tears

What is wrong?

What is bothering me?

I don’t know, I don’t fucking know

How I know the world be okay and

Feel like it is falling apart

Another wave comes crashing down

my body is not my own

The anxiety has taken over

I am merely a host for this parasite

I beg for it to go but it only wants to play

What do I have to be anxious about?


Nothing at all

That is not how this relationship works

It comes as it please and I can do it ride it out

No rhyme or reason

No explanation

I just ride out the wave

Hoping I don’t drown

This. THIS.

Fucking this

Is what anxiety looks like

by Lauren Kocher








In the wake of recent events, it seems to me that much of the general public has a misconception of what depression actually looks like.

Most people see depression as this:

depression is real

They picture in their head a person overcome by sadness. They have this forlorn look,even crying. Maybe a little unkempt, unshowered and still in their pajamas. The problem is too many people equate depression with extreme sadness. They only see the stereotypical version of the disorder. And sometimes is actually does look like this. However, more often than not, it looks completely different.

To be honest, depression sometimes looks like this:

depression 1

I was on my way to a training for a job I love. I was riddled with anxiety. I wanted nothing more to crawl into my bed and disappear into my sheets. My mind was swirling and I felt like I was drowning.

Or my depression can look like this:
depression 2

I am spending a amazing day in a canoe with my family. I wanted nothing more to enjoy that day. All I could think to myself is my family deserves better than me.

Then there are days my depression looks like this:
depression 4

My children are my entire world. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Yet, there are days where I wonder what their life would be without me. The thought of “how much better it would be with a mom who wasn’t always drowning in her own thoughts” wanders through my brain.

Even when I doing something that truly brings me joy, depression can creep up. Then it looks like this:
depression 5

The fact of the matter is depression has many faces. There is no one true look of depression. In my own experience, I have learned to live with it. I have mulled and muddled through my day just trying o get the the next. And yes, there have been days where I had come close to giving up. I have come close to being too tired to carry the weight on my shoulders. There are days when the burden seems too much. I can’t sit here and honestly say what keeps me going. I think there has not enough straws yet to break the camel’s back. I just pray every day that I never find that breaking point.

I just know that I am not alone in my battle. I am one of many. I think the more we talk, the more we can shed light on the matter. The more me understand what depression really looks like, the better able we are to reach out and help save someone. Just because someone doesn’t look depressed, does not mean they aren’t feeling depressed.





A moment of silence


Photo Credit: Pixabay- Zerocool

It is 10:49pm. I should be in bed.

Yet, the soft tumble of the dryer mixed with the gentle chip of crickets begs me to enjoy the moment of calm. Chaos is every day life with two small boys.

My day is filled with the sound of sirens alerting the small town in my child’s imagination that help is on the way.

There is the squeal of laughter followed by the clomping of feet as a game of chase with the dog ensues.

Shouting because someone will not share fills my ears at least once, if not twice, an hour.

My brain is overloaded by all the noises of stories both from my children’s mouth and those on the TV screen.

So yes, I should be asleep because I have a bout tomorrow.

I need to rest to be at my best. But I can’t help but savor the sweet moments of silence. I need to give myself some time to unwind from a day of refereeing.

He did this.

He took that.

The dog is doing this.

A string of never-ending need for my undivided attention to be divided between a hundred places.

I need a moment of peace to let the tight coil of my anxiety to slowly unwind. I need to breathe.

I need the silence to remind myself that this is all worth doing. At the end of the day, I need those sweet faces.

However, right now, I need a glass a wine and a hot bath.

I need mom time.