Madness is…I knew better

****Warning this post is possible trigger for those who have been in a abusive relationship****

I will say this now, these words were not easy to share. While I have moved on to a much happier life, it is still something that affects me to this day. Please if you know who he is please leave him be. This incident was years ago. I just have now have built up the courage to share it.

Madness is I knew better. I knew he was trouble from day one. I despised how he treated the others. Madness is I thought I was stronger than the others. I thought our relationship would be different.

Madness is ignoring the voice inside my head screaming there was something wrong with this relationship. I saw the writing on the wall long before the crash, but I went along with it anyway.

Madness is I believed him when he said it was all my fault. I should be prettier, work harder, and think about how my actions affect him.

Madness is crying myself to sleep for 3 years too afraid to leave. I can’t leave him. I pay all the bills. I will never make it without him.

Madness is how I just played it off. Oh, we always rough house like that.

Madness is I believed him. He would push and push until I shoved him away. Then he could make his move because I hit him first.

Madness is how many times he wrapped his fingers in my hair and spit his chew in my face. Where would I go? Who would want me anyway?

Madness is I didn’t walk away sooner. I let him do it to me over and over again each time he would push the line.

Madness is the day he crossed it and I almost died.

This is a story I don’t often share. I am not ready to share how I go there, but I need to share how it came to an end. There was a moment where I finally said no more. And if I hadn’t I am positive, I wouldn’t be alive. I remember it was over something stupid. I think the dog ate his headset for the Xbox again. I went before work and got him another one. I thought it was a nice surprise. I was wrong. He didn’t believe that I could drive 30 minutes to someplace to get the new headset and make it home for my 3p-11p shift. I obviously must have called off work and that was not allowed. I decided to take it back and well then things escalated.

Things were thrown. There was screaming. At that point, I was so terrified of him, I was constantly in fight or flight mode. I remember him yelling coming towards me. I thought he was going to grab me so I punched him in the face pretty hard. Then he really came after me so I punched him again. I don’t remember what happened in between but the next part I can never forget. Somehow he wrestled me to the ground and got on top of me. He began to choke me. I remember trying to fight him off and he just squeezed harder. I remember not being able to breathe. I remember thinking to myself that I was going to die. This was how it was all going to end. I can’t tell you how the next part happened. Call it a miracle. I somehow managed to calm myself down enough to think. I took my hand, put my hands down his pants, found his balls and dig my nails into them. I squeezed as hard as I could to get him to let me go. It was either going to let me go or I passed out. I wasn’t going to give up. It worked. I got him to let go. He left for work and I never cried so hard in my entire life. But that was the end. For me that is when the relationship was over. However to this day the scars still remain.


HealthiNation: True Champions of Bipolar Disorder

Back in January of this year I was approach to be apart “True Champions” series. They chose me to be a representative of Bipolar Disorder. They followed me on my blog and Facebook page which help them decide on filming me. They were impressed of how active of a life I have despite having Bipolar Disorder. They came to my home and filmed me for two days which gave me a new respect for reality TV people. It is actually a lot of work. It is a lot of repeating yourself and doing things over and over again.

I want to take the time to thank Jax Lobel for directing this. I want to thank the owners of the Create Cafe for allowing us to film there. I want to thank all my sexy ladies of the Northern Allegheny Roller Derby league. Also my loving husband and wonderful children. A personal thanks to Dyane Harwood of Birth of New Brain, Kit O’Malley of, and Dr Walker Karraa of for all of their continual support. A huge thank you to all of my followers and supporters!

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Dear Ms Barwick, Your Father Issues are showing

Ok I don’t usually post about things I read but something about a post I read really struck a nerve with me. While scrolling through my new feed on Facebook, I came across an article titled, “Dear Gay Community: Your Kids are Hurting” It peaked my interest so I decided to read it, Now I am a supporter of gay right and marriage but I am willing to listen both sides of the story. The jist of the article is about how the author feels jaded to not having a father figure in her life. This is all largely to blame that her mother was a lesbian. When her mother came out, the father willing checked out of the picture. I can understand her yearning for a father figure as I have past father issues. However,I don’t see how this has anything to do with gay marriage. He father was a crap father period. It has nothing to do with her mother’s sexual orientation. And while she makes the point that a child needs a father figure in their life psychological, it is a very weak argument against gay marriage. If you disagree, just as all the heterosexual women raising their children on their own. The women who are raising the children of a man who couldn’t own up to his responsibilities. So what about the single mother who raise their children without a father figure? Are they also responsible for their children’s suffering? I ask you Heather Barwick, to refocus your mission on to something that makes sense. You are so worried about the suffering of children, how about turning your attention towards deadbeat parents.Yes deadbeat parents because there are single fathers raising children whose mother’s just walked away. Try focusing on educating on the responsibility of parenting. The importance of safe sex. For what is sounds like is that you grew up in a happy, loving home. So you didn’t have a father figure, so what? I am sure there are plenty of abusive households staying together because that is what is supposed to be done. So what if Daddy loses his temper on little Susie? At least she has a father in her life, right? Now I am not trying to downplay your pain. I understand what is it like to want that picture perfect white picket fence kind of like. I grew up in a tumultuous household. I would have loved to have the perfect TV show dad but I didn’t. However I am not going to use it as an agenda to negatively affect other people’s lives. I would like to think that what you are doing is in the best interest of children but it is obvious this is a personal agenda. I am sorry that you had a deadbeat dad. But use that to help kids whose parent’s own thousands of dollars in child support. Help out the kid whose parent is working three jobs just to make ends met. This is how to can help those kids who are truly suffering. Not the kids are in a happy well-adjusted home being raised by people who love and cherish them. Listen you didn’t get to do the father-daughter dance but you need to let it go. Seek some kind of therapy but don’t be selfish by destroying other people’s happiness.