Becca Moore of the Bipolar Parenting Foundation posted the above graphic on Facebook and tagged me in it. I was shocked initially because that is not what I intended when I starting blogging. When I started this blog initially two years ago, it was out of shear boredom. I was on bed rest with D. I think a posted one whole post and then forgot about it. Then when I was getting ready to quit my full time job back in March, I decided to try again. I thought I was going to be the go-to mom blog. I was very inspired by a woman who used to live in our town and then moved to Pittsburgh. She started a blogging and it inspired me to start writing. Many know her as Mrs Burgher of ‘lil Burghers. So I began writing about my kids and our day-to-day life and waited. And waited some more. I would get some likes here and there but not like I was expecting.
I thought I would be the kind of blog that did reviews and giveaways but it just didn’t feel natural. I felt like I was forcing myself to write. Then I decided to do a kind of writing project through WordPress. One of our first assignments was a free-write piece. It was the first time I really received any kind of reaction from readers. I really opened up about myself. At first I was kind of upset because I didn’t want the focus of my blog to be about my bipolar disorder. The original concept was to show I can be a regular mom despite my bipolar disorder. So I continued to hold myself back. It was like wearing a shoe that was slightly too small. Yeah you can get it on but it is uncomfortable as hell.
I held on to my little fantasy for about a month or so. I mean there are tons of quality blogs that are about bipolar disorder and mental illness. What could I possibly write that would be any different than what is already available? So just out of nowhere I decided to write “Feeding the Beast’. It was a child of word vomit. Most of my writing is. However the reaction was completely and totally unexpected. I had more views in one day then I had had in the two weeks. People commented on how they could relate or they never knew what it was like to have bipolar disorder. I had mixed feelings about this.
I mean who wouldn’t be excited that after 3 months of blogging something was finally noticed. I actually started to panic. I mean how could I possibly write something like this again. I was afraid it was some sort of lucid writing fluke. I felt this enormous amount of pressure to do this again. Plus this is NOT what I wanted to my blog to be about. I wanted to be the wholesome, give-a-way mommy blogger. Even though that is not me at all. I am not saying I am not wholesome but those kind of blogs are not my thing. Matter- of –fact I don’t even read blogs like that with a few exceptions. But who wouldn’t want to be a tester for awesome stuff and be on panels for mommy blog conferences. I did!
However in the blogging world you have to be true to yourself. It is how you procure followers. It isn’t that I don’t love my children. They are the center of my universe but I am not sure I want them to be the center of yours. However I have always wanted to help others. So I changed focus and began talking about my bipolar disorder. I am open and as honest as I can possibly be. My goal is still the same. I want to change the world’s concept on what mental illness looks like. And I am going to do it. One post at a time. Watch out one day you are going to see me on the Today show talking about this.