I have had some many aspirations for this week. So many. I managed to submit a post for Stigmama’s holiday series. Although it wasn’t my best piece. I feel like I can’t find my heart right now. I know it is the onset of depression. I am so tired of it. I am tired of feeling like I am drowning. I am tired of feeling alone. I know it is because of the weather and the holidays. I always get this way during this time of year. I just hate feeling this way.
I am don’t want to struggle the swim anymore. I just want to be buoyant. I want to be like the ones who can float among the waves. Instead of always fighting the everlasting current. I just want to wake up every morning being able to enjoy life. Is that some much to ask? I want joy in my life. I am tired of it being suck from my very breath.
No I am not suicidal. I am worn out. Feeling this way eats at your very soul. It is like being trapped in the house on a sunny day. You know the sunshine will fill your soul with the warmth it needs but you can’t get to it because all the doors are locked. You can only sit at the window and enjoy what little filters through the curtains. It steals away at the moments you should be enjoying. Those little moments you will only get to experience once.
Dreams become nothing more than that. Dreams. Dreams of what you could be if you weren’t chained to the bottom of the sea. Just holding tight to that last breath until you can get another breath of air. It isn’t sadness or hopelessness but anger that I feel. So fucking angry. It just seems as soon as I start to really get stuff all together. I can barely get myself off the couch. I would do anything to stop the tears from falling down my face. I want to take the words “Are you ok, Mama?” away from my 2 yr olds mouth. The worst is I am aware. I am completely aware.
I know this is depression. I know it is coming. I can see the storm on the horizon. I can paddle to my heart’s content to keep from sinking. But eventually the storm comes and all I can do it brave it the best that I can. It is a never-ending cycle, I wish upon no other soul. No one should ever struggle to enjoy the laughter of their own children. Never. But these are the cards I have been dealt in life. Whether I like them or not, I must carry on. One foot in front of the other. One little step at a time. There is a light to life even if it is sometimes filtered.
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Lauren Kocher 
Oh no, Lauren, I’m so sorry!!!!!!!!!! You know I know exactly what you’re talking about since I’ve felt it too, so many times, and I still have patches of it that come and go all the time.
What amazes me about you is that you can write so eloquently even while going through this hell. I could never do that, as much as I wanted to. I couldn’t write a single word when starting to feel depressed, let alone feeling depressed.
What can help you feel better???? I wish I lived near you because I want to help – can you get through to your dr. for a med. adjustment? Can you reach out to the friends who give you comfort and hope? (who might not be reading this post yet and don’t know how you’re feeling…)
Go easy on yourself. It will pass. It always has and always will. In the meantime please vent about it if you want….in any way you feel like doing so! I know you feel bad about your sweet kids seeing you in this state, but they will be okay….they really will.
Sending you love, Lady L.
I’ll be thinking of you the rest of the day….
xoxoxoxoox
Dy
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Thank you Dyane. It is the blah, dreary, weather that is getting to me. I tried to leave the house yesterday but it was freezing rain coming from the sky. Derby practice was cancelled last night because of it. This time of year always gets me. I just need to move to a sunny tropical island.
As for my writing, when I can I get myself to write, I actually write better. Some of my best work was while I was depressed. I think it is because my thoughts aren’t crashing into each other. I know this will pass like it always does. I just need to get my frustration out into the universe and out of my head.
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Our weather sucks too but at least we don’t have freezing rain – yikes! I use a Sunbox DL bright light (I’ve had the thing for 10+yrs) when it’s really dark in the a.m. It does help me. Have you ever thought about using something like that? And I’m sorry derby practice was cancelled! 😦
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