Social anxiety-0, Me-1


This was originally to be posted on Saturday. However I had some technical difficulties.

I should be asleep but I can’t. My brain is still in overdrive from my day yesterday. I am marking it off as a big day for me. And no, not just because Margaret Cho followed me back on Twitter. Though that was pretty fucking awesome. Ok for those of you who don’t know, I joined my local roller derby league in September. I still have one more minimum skill to pass before I got from fresh meat to rookie. Damn you 27/5!!! Anyway, just joining was a huge step because I struggle with socializing. I hard time making connections with people. My brain goes one of two ways: 1) A take it or leave attitude or 2) Overly obsessive stalker-like attitude. GO Extremes! I also don’t know how to act sometimes. I have an especially have a difficult time with girls. I think it because I have the humor of a 12 yr-old boy mixed with Daria. I have 4 brothers and I am used to rough housing. Also I was one you couldn’t tell me “You can’t do this because you are a girl.” I would do whatever I could to prove you wrong. Plus my mom was kinda a tomboy so femininity was moot point growing up.
So when it comes to normal everyday women, I am lost. I don’t get the obsession over certain things. However, shoes are an exception. Do I ever love shoes!! And I am not butch. I like to feel pretty. I enjoy fashion. I am not always up on the latest trends nor do I follow them. However I take whatever is in and put my spin on it. I guess I am tomboy with slightly girly tendencies. I think it is why I feel in love with derby. I could be rough while wearing a cute outfit consisting of coordinating booty shorts, fish nets, knee-high socks and the occasional tutu. I could look adorable while knocking someone into the ground. Honestly, I had found my people.
As awesome as this sounds it still does not negate the fact that along with bipolar, I have social anxiety. The big barrier between me and the world. Even after 10 weeks of being with these girls, I still felt out-of-place. Bonds were forming left and right. Just the other day one of my fellow freshies pick a derby wife. While I was happy about for them, I was kinda sad. I had realized I was not particularly close to anyone. I mean I tried but I will be honest. I am kinda weird. So yesterday I joined some other girls downtown to sell candy bars for roller derby. The town I live in has a Victorian Christmas the first weekend of December. And while it was raining and freezing, I had a good time. Around 8pm, we decided to call it quits.
This is when I decided to do things differently. When we were getting ready to leave, the other girls invited me out for a beer. Then they were going to another teammate’s house for some homemade brick oven pizza. In a normal situation I would both tell them maybe and not show up. I often get it in my head that people are asking me to be polite. Mainly because that has happened to me about several hundred times. So thinking this is one of those situations, I went to my car with the intentions of going home. As I was waiting for my car to heat up, I decided to call my husband. I asked him if he cared if went to hang out with the girls. Now before you judge, I don’t have to ask permission to go anywhere. I like to communicate what I am doing A) so if we were out late, he didn’t think something happened to be me and B) It is how I grew up, you check in when you are going to be later than you said. The biggest reason I called is because I was looking for an out.
I really wanted him to tell me he needed to come home. Then I could continue to be a miserable hermit. Fortunately, my husband was tired and didn’t want to do what we had planned for that evening. He told me go and hangout. So I went. And honestly I had a great time. I lived. I survived! Crazy, right? I had a horrible time going to bed that evening. My brain was on overdrive but that was ok. I ignored my brain telling me I was an outsider and I didn’t belong. I resisted the urge to come up with a reason to bail out. I stuck it out. I am sure there are some that really don’t understand the significance of this event. For me this is a huge step forward. Maybe another day with another post, I will write it out and explain it all. But for now, I am proud because I did it.


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