****Warning this post is possible trigger for those who have been in a abusive relationship****
I will say this now, these words were not easy to share. While I have moved on to a much happier life, it is still something that affects me to this day. Please if you know who he is please leave him be. This incident was years ago. I just have now have built up the courage to share it.
Madness is I knew better. I knew he was trouble from day one. I despised how he treated the others. Madness is I thought I was stronger than the others. I thought our relationship would be different.
Madness is ignoring the voice inside my head screaming there was something wrong with this relationship. I saw the writing on the wall long before the crash, but I went along with it anyway.
Madness is I believed him when he said it was all my fault. I should be prettier, work harder, and think about how my actions affect him.
Madness is crying myself to sleep for 3 years too afraid to leave. I can’t leave him. I pay all the bills. I will never make it without him.
Madness is how I just played it off. Oh, we always rough house like that.
Madness is I believed him. He would push and push until I shoved him away. Then he could make his move because I hit him first.
Madness is how many times he wrapped his fingers in my hair and spit his chew in my face. Where would I go? Who would want me anyway?
Madness is I didn’t walk away sooner. I let him do it to me over and over again each time he would push the line.
Madness is the day he crossed it and I almost died.
This is a story I don’t often share. I am not ready to share how I go there, but I need to share how it came to an end. There was a moment where I finally said no more. And if I hadn’t I am positive, I wouldn’t be alive. I remember it was over something stupid. I think the dog ate his headset for the Xbox again. I went before work and got him another one. I thought it was a nice surprise. I was wrong. He didn’t believe that I could drive 30 minutes to someplace to get the new headset and make it home for my 3p-11p shift. I obviously must have called off work and that was not allowed. I decided to take it back and well then things escalated.
Things were thrown. There was screaming. At that point, I was so terrified of him, I was constantly in fight or flight mode. I remember him yelling coming towards me. I thought he was going to grab me so I punched him in the face pretty hard. Then he really came after me so I punched him again. I don’t remember what happened in between but the next part I can never forget. Somehow he wrestled me to the ground and got on top of me. He began to choke me. I remember trying to fight him off and he just squeezed harder. I remember not being able to breathe. I remember thinking to myself that I was going to die. This was how it was all going to end. I can’t tell you how the next part happened. Call it a miracle. I somehow managed to calm myself down enough to think. I took my hand, put my hands down his pants, found his balls and dig my nails into them. I squeezed as hard as I could to get him to let me go. It was either going to let me go or I passed out. I wasn’t going to give up. It worked. I got him to let go. He left for work and I never cried so hard in my entire life. But that was the end. For me that is when the relationship was over. However to this day the scars still remain.
2 thoughts on “Madness is…I knew better”
This was very brave of you to share. I’m sorry that you have been through such hell. Thank you for sharing your story with others.
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