Madness is…I knew better

****Warning this post is possible trigger for those who have been in a abusive relationship****

I will say this now, these words were not easy to share. While I have moved on to a much happier life, it is still something that affects me to this day. Please if you know who he is please leave him be. This incident was years ago. I just have now have built up the courage to share it.

Madness is I knew better. I knew he was trouble from day one. I despised how he treated the others. Madness is I thought I was stronger than the others. I thought our relationship would be different.

Madness is ignoring the voice inside my head screaming there was something wrong with this relationship. I saw the writing on the wall long before the crash, but I went along with it anyway.

Madness is I believed him when he said it was all my fault. I should be prettier, work harder, and think about how my actions affect him.

Madness is crying myself to sleep for 3 years too afraid to leave. I can’t leave him. I pay all the bills. I will never make it without him.

Madness is how I just played it off. Oh, we always rough house like that.

Madness is I believed him. He would push and push until I shoved him away. Then he could make his move because I hit him first.

Madness is how many times he wrapped his fingers in my hair and spit his chew in my face. Where would I go? Who would want me anyway?

Madness is I didn’t walk away sooner. I let him do it to me over and over again each time he would push the line.

Madness is the day he crossed it and I almost died.

This is a story I don’t often share. I am not ready to share how I go there, but I need to share how it came to an end. There was a moment where I finally said no more. And if I hadn’t I am positive, I wouldn’t be alive. I remember it was over something stupid. I think the dog ate his headset for the Xbox again. I went before work and got him another one. I thought it was a nice surprise. I was wrong. He didn’t believe that I could drive 30 minutes to someplace to get the new headset and make it home for my 3p-11p shift. I obviously must have called off work and that was not allowed. I decided to take it back and well then things escalated.

Things were thrown. There was screaming. At that point, I was so terrified of him, I was constantly in fight or flight mode. I remember him yelling coming towards me. I thought he was going to grab me so I punched him in the face pretty hard. Then he really came after me so I punched him again. I don’t remember what happened in between but the next part I can never forget. Somehow he wrestled me to the ground and got on top of me. He began to choke me. I remember trying to fight him off and he just squeezed harder. I remember not being able to breathe. I remember thinking to myself that I was going to die. This was how it was all going to end. I can’t tell you how the next part happened. Call it a miracle. I somehow managed to calm myself down enough to think. I took my hand, put my hands down his pants, found his balls and dig my nails into them. I squeezed as hard as I could to get him to let me go. It was either going to let me go or I passed out. I wasn’t going to give up. It worked. I got him to let go. He left for work and I never cried so hard in my entire life. But that was the end. For me that is when the relationship was over. However to this day the scars still remain.


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