The White Flag

whitteflag

It is official.  I am going back to therapy. I will be honest. It has been a long time coming. I have been putting it off for much too long. I let myself fall too far down the rabbit hole. I faked it my best until I couldn’t make it anymore. However, I missed myself. I missed the person I used to be before my bipolar disorder swallowed me whole. No matter how much I fought, it just refused to spit me out.

To be honest, I don’t know why I put it off so long. I think I was really in this strong denial that I was ok without it. I believed that I was the Queen of Coping Skills. What I really was was the Queen of BS. It was a big part why I didn’t go back. I put this amazing image of being able to cope without therapy and MEDs, I didn’t know what to do when it fell apart. I was ashamed. I felt like a sham. It is why I stopped writing. Who was I to help people when I couldn’t get my shit together. Then depression kind of took over like it always does. I gave up. I gave up on myself.

I was overcome with shame. I shouldn’t have been. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no less of a person because of what I have. And then absolutely no shame in getting help. It is not a weakness to say you can’t do it on your own anymore. It takes great strength to be brave enough to ask. Therapy has never been easy for me. I dislike speaking of my past. I don’t want to reminisce about certain events in my life.  I need to get them out because they are still chewing at my soul. I feel like a husk floating through day to day. This is not how I imagined my life, nor how I want to be remembered. I want to live not merely survive.

Most of all, I want to be the woman I fought so hard to be. Becoming the person, I am now being came from years of struggles and growing. I am not ready to let her go. I have come to finally love her as she is. I know I am going to continue to grow and change, but I refuse to start over. I am going to do what I can best think of to save her. Therapy is the answer. Medication is my life preserver.

I miss being happy. I miss being able to hear the thoughts in my head. I miss enjoying everything. My children. My husband. Roller Derby. My job. The sun shining on my face. The small things. I miss being able to focus enough to write. I miss the blogging community. Everything. So tomorrow, I go to fight for it back.

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4 thoughts on “The White Flag

  1. I think therapy can be a wonderful thing, in time. For you. I hope so anyway. Once you get it all out and sorted, and hear healing words from a caring therapist…I have faith that you will be able to get on top of this (your life). You are a good, NO, A GREAT person, with a big heart! Hang in there! You are lovable, and I personally look forward to the day that you love yourself as much as others love you! (p.s. I have been seeing, on and off, the same therapist since 1977! You would think he would have fixed me by now! lol) Keep smiling, girl! xo

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