It is official. I am going back to therapy. I will be honest. It has been a long time coming. I have been putting it off for much too long. I let myself fall too far down the rabbit hole. I faked it my best until I couldn’t make it anymore. However, I missed myself. I missed the person I used to be before my bipolar disorder swallowed me whole. No matter how much I fought, it just refused to spit me out.
To be honest, I don’t know why I put it off so long. I think I was really in this strong denial that I was ok without it. I believed that I was the Queen of Coping Skills. What I really was was the Queen of BS. It was a big part why I didn’t go back. I put this amazing image of being able to cope without therapy and MEDs, I didn’t know what to do when it fell apart. I was ashamed. I felt like a sham. It is why I stopped writing. Who was I to help people when I couldn’t get my shit together. Then depression kind of took over like it always does. I gave up. I gave up on myself.
I was overcome with shame. I shouldn’t have been. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no less of a person because of what I have. And then absolutely no shame in getting help. It is not a weakness to say you can’t do it on your own anymore. It takes great strength to be brave enough to ask. Therapy has never been easy for me. I dislike speaking of my past. I don’t want to reminisce about certain events in my life. I need to get them out because they are still chewing at my soul. I feel like a husk floating through day to day. This is not how I imagined my life, nor how I want to be remembered. I want to live not merely survive.
Most of all, I want to be the woman I fought so hard to be. Becoming the person, I am now being came from years of struggles and growing. I am not ready to let her go. I have come to finally love her as she is. I know I am going to continue to grow and change, but I refuse to start over. I am going to do what I can best think of to save her. Therapy is the answer. Medication is my life preserver.
I miss being happy. I miss being able to hear the thoughts in my head. I miss enjoying everything. My children. My husband. Roller Derby. My job. The sun shining on my face. The small things. I miss being able to focus enough to write. I miss the blogging community. Everything. So tomorrow, I go to fight for it back.
4 thoughts on “The White Flag”
You go girl! Wish you all my best. I’m feeling quite huskish myself today. Maybe the answer is therapy for me too. Best wishes.
Thank you! It wasn’t an easy decision. I had to swallow my pride. But I know it is right for me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
If swallowing your pride means being healthy, then by all means have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 😊😊
I think therapy can be a wonderful thing, in time. For you. I hope so anyway. Once you get it all out and sorted, and hear healing words from a caring therapist…I have faith that you will be able to get on top of this (your life). You are a good, NO, A GREAT person, with a big heart! Hang in there! You are lovable, and I personally look forward to the day that you love yourself as much as others love you! (p.s. I have been seeing, on and off, the same therapist since 1977! You would think he would have fixed me by now! lol) Keep smiling, girl! xo
LikeLiked by 1 person